Although you are trying to be nice, do yourself (and me) the favor and avoid the following.... :)

People have been popping out of the woodwork to say strange things ever since I declared myself, around the 3-month mark, to be with child.

The first thing several people said was, "Congratulations! Was it planned?" Woah. Wasn't expecting that. I was expecting maybe "Do you want a boy or a girl?" (as though I get to pick) or even "So, when are you due?" (as soon as possible). But no. These near-strangers wanted to know if my baby had been planned, sort of like the purchase of a new car, or a surprise birthday party. I never did answer the question very well. My first response was, "Yes," somewhat defensively. Why was I defensive? And didn't that make the questioner suspicious? Of course, if I had had time to think, I might have said, "See if you can guess," but that wouldn't have been, as my mother pointed out, very polite. The best I could come up with was to avoid the question by saying, "I'm very excited about it." Which doesn't answer the question, but so far no one's been rude enough to ask twice.

Now, whenever I run into an acquaintance at the grocery store or even on the street, the person will ask me, meaningfully, "How are you feeling?" And meaningfully, I look them right in the eye and say, "Fine." I used to be truthful and say, "Hey, my round ligaments are killing me, my feet are swollen, and I have to pee every 15 minutes." I discovered that was a mistake, because then whoever asked me how I was feeling would launch into a litany of complaints about her previous pregnancy. Even men weren't safe. "When my wife was pregnant," they'd begin, and then I'd hear 10 minutes of pregnancy symptoms, followed by, "Of course, she wished she could be pregnant again after the baby got here!" At which point I usually excused myself to go to the bathroom. Either that or dropped something heavy on my foot.

Men, however, get a gold star on their cosmic charts, because they will never ask, "How much weight have you gained?" Women I don't even know will ask me that. Sometimes they will tell me how much weight they gained when they were pregnant. For each pregnancy. The worst is when someone due in the same month that I am says, "Gee, my doctor's really worried because I've only gained five pounds total, since I actually lost 10 in the first trimester."  (Although, this time around I am that Mother - tee hee hee) The best thing to do here, I've discovered, is to imagine that she will be in labor for 3 days straight and that her doctor will be out of town fly fishing and the baby will be delivered by a resident who's really eager to use all of that cool obstetrical equipment that he's only seen in textbooks. (I only said I was raised to be polite! I didn't guarantee nice.)

People have told me that the most annoying question is yet to come. I remember this question better than any other - about a month before you're due, everyone will start asking, "Haven't you had that baby yet?" And if the baby is overdue ( Like Riely was), you might have six weeks of this question. But this time, I know it's coming, and I'm working on some good answers. "No, but if you want, I'll try now" is one that comes to mind. Or "No, I'm waiting for a better astrological sign." Or even, "Yes, but I left him in a taxi!"